So there’s this guy… when a friend starts a conversation with this you know that you’re going to have a lot of opinions. Brace yourself.
I sat down with a friend the other day. She’s dating this guy. Someone who makes her happy, she loves spending time with him , but she’s quick to remind us that he’s flawed. Aren’t we all. “There’s a few serious red flags there,” she says. She goes on to say that someone ( a few people) recently told her that she could do better, that she deserves better. She was conflicted. Someone who normally gives no mind or matter to what people say is now coming to me, the perpetually single, for advice. Luckily… I give great advice ;).
Here is my opinion of this statement… the more statement. The idea that someone could always do better is a lie that keeps us alone. When you find someone who clicks several of your boxes, but falls short in several key areas… do you cut them loose? If so, why? There’s this idea that there are different levels of people. People being numbers. “She’s a 9, so why is she with a 5?” This is such complete shit if you ask me. And, you did because you’re reading my blog, so let me explain.
Better is not out there. More is not to be found. People are people. People are flawed. If you can find someone that you genuinely care about, who doesn’t waste your time and who shares a lot of the same ethical standards and goals that you do… what is the purpose of more? More of what? What are people looking for?
“We only accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky, Perks of Being a Wallflower. And, what do we deserve? There’s two sides to this coin. The acceptance and deserving part.
The point here I think, is that we should know our own value and worth. We should be able to then make ourselves happy, alone, apart from other people. The problem with “love” is that people think that another person can complete them. That would mean that your happiness is dependent upon the existence and the decisions of someone else. Love is not completion, it is not the solution for the unhappy or even the lonely. I know some people who have been married for years or with a partner for decades and they are still some of the most unfathomably lonely people I know. You can’t depend on other people to complete you or make you whole. You’re already whole. You’re just seeking a bandaid for your own insecurities.
So then, what do I think it is? First, love is a choice. It’s not a feeling like all of our other feelings. It’s a decision to choose someone, regardless of day, circumstance or disposition. But, I digress, and that isn’t the topic of this blog… back to the idea of more.
So, I told my friend… “That is a lie. The idea that you can do better is a lie. What even is better to you?”
“Well, for starters, I can find someone who I feel is more authentic and honest. Someone who shares more of the same moral standards that I do. Someone who has healthier relationships, ” she responded. Then I asked her how he could do “better” than her.
“Ha, could definitely find someone who is easier, on a lot of different levels. Someone who is much prettier, more successful and has a better rack, lol. Someone way less in touch with her feelings or feels like she has to talk about everything all the time.” she replied.
And, side note: as a completely objective third party, I can attest that both of these individuals are a strange match but also kinda great together. They are always laughing and smiling and seem genuinely happy. Some people just need to back off and let people be happy.
The idea of “better” doesn’t just fall to one person. You don’t deserve “better” or “more”. What you should be looking for instead is… Does time with this person make my life better? Are we both growing as individuals and do we help encourage each other in that growth? Does this person add value to my life or is it a complete waste of my time?
That’s kinda it. I said it once and I’ll say it again, relationships don’t have to be complicated. They are difficult yes, but that is not the same thing. Complicated means drama and lack of intentionality. Difficult means that you disagree and that you have to learn to do life with another person, which isn’t easy.
At the end of the day… if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. If a person decides (key word) that you are not the right person for them, then they are not the right person for you. End of story. You don’t have to be sad about it, you don’t have to choose to mourn that loss, you can just be done. (But, you’re also entitled to mourn it if you want. Break all the plates, eat all the ice cream. You do you girlfriend.) There are other people out there that could be your person. The one you choose. The one that chooses you. So, stop believing this lie of “better” and “more” and start having some damn grown up conversations and making better life choices.