Capacity

When terrible things happen it challenges your capacity. Your capacity for love, strength, bravery, courage and living.

A terrible, no good, really bad thing happened to me this week. Something that came out of nowhere and is seemingly unfathomable. The kind of thing you think didn’t happen…but it did. An out of body experience type thing. A thing that changes your world a bit.

But, I’m not going to rehash what happened, if you know me personally you already know. This is more so a post to help me get my thoughts out. It’s cathartic for me, writing helps me heal.

The world has been one big shit storm lately. This terribleness just happened to hit close to home for me this week. And I’ve been thinking of how you recover from that. How do we recover from the terribly rotten, no good things?

For me, in this moment, there are two options.

One, I can do what I’ve always done and shrink away from the world, pushing everyone I care about away so they don’t have to deal with it. That’s unfair…but it’s easy. I got to that place yesterday, and just felt like everything was dark and twisty and nothing was ever going to be bright and shiny for a very long time. I could stay there. I could shut myself away in my room and close out the world. I wrote the book on that coping mechanism. A few years ago, that’s what I would’ve done. That was my capacity.

I woke up this morning and realized that I’m not that person anymore. My capacity has changed. I’m stronger, smarter, funnier, braver… I’m just more. So option two, choose bright and shiny. Choose to come out on the other side and realize this could have a silver lining. When terrible things happen they challenge our capacity for everything.

Option two for me is the only option. I won’t say that it won’t take time to get back to a place of “normal”, whatever that looks like. But, I can be a little better everyday. All I keep thinking is how much I want to experience, how much I want to do, how full I want my life to be and how much my existence is my responsibility. There can be silver linings in terrible, no good, horribly wrong situations.

I will use this situation to grow my capacity. It’s time to grow the hell up and stop being so selfish. Selfish with time, love and life. My capacity for love, kindness, new experiences, courage, bravery and people will grow. I’ve learned that I need people in my life to share in these things with. I use to think I liked to be alone, that I was good at it. I don’t want that anymore. As easy as it is, it’s not the best existence. Being strong doesn’t mean you don’t need anyone. I want my life to be full and to love harder and give more of my time and self to those people I care about. That’s where the healing begins.

And that’s all I really have to say about it.

Love your people well. Don’t be afraid to take big leaps or risks, apologize when you do something wrong, tell people what you want, take chances, become the best version of yourself and don’t accept anything less. Break cycles of what you think your capacity is and choose to be better. We can always be better. Growth is always possible. Love even when it seems like it’s not going to work, or your afraid, or you’ve been hurt. Just love, experience and choose to be happy. We can be brave together.

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