Substance

Happy is the heart that still feels pain. Darkness drains and the light will come again. – Ingrid Michaelson

I pay attention to lyrics a lot, more so than a melody. I’m a writer, so naturally it makes sense that words matter to me. I’ve always liked Ingrid, but when I came across this lyric several weeks ago I felt like we were soul sisters, because this is exactly how I felt then and somewhat how I feel now.

If you haven’t gathered already from reading this blog, I’m a sensitive person. I feel a lot, not just of my emotions but others as well. Empathy, it’s one of my biggest strengths and weaknesses. I’m a Cancer, so apparently that makes a lot of sense. All I know is that I feel shit. And I feel it a lot and hard and all the fucking time.

There’s a fine line between being self aware and being narcissistic and honestly I’ve been teetering on the side of the latter the past several weeks. You may recall my post in October about this really terrible thing that happened to me, yeah well, it fucked up my capacity bucket. Let me explain.

So my therapist (Therapy is weird. You should totally try it. It helps you keep your friends when you’re crazy   experiencing a lot of feelings. I secretly like it. Don’t tell my therapist.) is a delightful person and also really smart and great with metaphors. A few weeks ago we were discussing post trauma type feelings that I’ve been having and most of them not having anything to do with the actual incident itself but rather things I haven’t dealt with for a very long time or well, ever. Insert the capacity bucket metaphor. The idea is that everyone has this metaphorical emotional feelings bucket and some people may have a small bucket, some a large one but regardless, everyone has one. Regardless of size or scope, that bucket has a capacity, it can only be so full before the overflow starts to happen. And, when the shit hits the fan and your bucket starts to overflow because you’re not dealing with your feelings…you don’t get to choose what comes out.

To make a long story a little less long, my capacity has been met and I’ve been dealing with a few things. One of the feelings being heartbreak…old and new. Hence the last post.  It’s easy for me to let people go by omitting them completely, pretending things didn’t happen, but somewhere down the road you have to deal with loss of any kind. And sometimes we have to mourn the living, the death of possibilities. Pain demands to be felt, and the mind prefers closure. Insecurity is another thing that’s surfaced. Who doesn’t have some sort of insecurity though, aimiright? I won’t go into the little details over my own insecurities, because they’re still mine and I’m dealing with them but I will say this… one of my main problems is thinking I am both too much and never enough for people. I have a problem seeking perfection. And, nothing is ever perfect so imagine my constant disappointment. (Half joking.)

The biggest feeling to surface though has to be loneliness. I’ve always been good at being alone. I make myself busy. I’m not someone who needs constant attention. I’m independent. But there’s a huge difference in being alone and being lonely.  And when you can’t  make yourself busy or you find yourself wanting people to be there when they aren’t or can’t be, loneliness can rear it’s ugly head. Loneliness is one of those feelings I hate because it demands another person to alleviate. I don’t like “needing” people. I don’t like states of vulnerability. But, sooner or later, it happens. And all the feelings, good and bad demand to be felt. They demand to be dealt with. It’s not good or bad it’s just true.

So here I am with these feelings and stupidly trying to shovel out my capacity bucket so I can function like a normal human instead of a wallowing mess of a person, until it hits me.

Perhaps once upon a time I was a wallowing mess of person, full of broken bits I didn’t know how to put back together. But I’m not that girl anymore. I dealt with those parts of me, and now I can choose to move forward and be this awesome badass of a woman everyone reminds me I am or I can regress back to a wallowing mess. There really is no happy medium here.

Don’t get me wrong, feel the way you feel…but then move on. I haven’t been moving on. I’ve been a wallowing mess of a person. So focused on the bad feelings that have come from the overflow that I forgot to be present in my own life. I haven’t been here. I haven’t been present. I’ve been asleep. It took a really good friend of mine to say, “What’s got you so upset about this situation?” to wake up. She refused to coddle me. She reminded me it could be a lot worse. Yeah, something I am painfully aware of. Thanks. But she was right. I am not dead. And as long as I have breath in my lungs and feeling in my bones, I need to be present in my own goddamn life.

People keep asking me what I want. What would make me happy? I think at this moment it’s fluid. Adulting is difficult and at almost 30 I’m still trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing. One of the things that doesn’t change though is this, I want to fill my life with warmth, light and love. I want people to take care of and people to take care of me. Not to be afraid of loving someone or needing people. I want to experience things, not just buy them. I want to see the world and I want to try everything that’s within reason. Stop saying no just because I’m scared. These are little big things I think would make me happy.

What does any of this have to do with you? I have some advice. (Shocker!) Deal with your feelings. Because, sooner or later you’ll have to. Wake the fuck up in your own life. The hourglass is glued to the table and the mortality rate is still 100%, so live your life. Live it as well as humanly possible.

Terrible things happen every single day. Chances are that the terrible thing that happened to me didn’t happen to you. Your story is your story. Don’t let the bad things or past mistakes keep your future from being bright. Glass half empty or half full? Lately there’s been no glass. But then I woke up, and reminded myself that the glass is there and it’s not half empty or half full… it’s refillable.

And, isn’t that better. It’s just a season. One of growth,change and uncertainty. Deal with the ginormous bucket of feelings and find out what you’re made of. You have substance, kid.

So, if you’re in a season of wallowing, remember this: Happy is the heart that still feels pain. The darkness will drain and the light will come again.

2 Comments

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