I Showered Today

Those with mental illness have always said that when you have depression or crippling anxiety, sometimes the smallest tasks seem unbearable. I am one of those and today this is how I feel. But, I’m still here. For now.

I Showered Today

I showered today

And, To you it may seem small.

But I got up, I got out of bed when I didn’t have to. I got out of bed.

I got out of bed.

I say I got out of bed because that’s the only place I’ve been. My sanctuary. My home.

I don’t want to leave my home.

But I got out of bed.

One foot in front of the other, I twisted the knob and opened the door. One step, two steps, three steps… there.

I made it.

Can I go back to bed. No.

I grab a towel and set it aside. Good intentions aren’t good enough.

I undress. I’m naked in front of the mirror. I pause, scrutinizing every bruise, every flaw.

The deepest ones you can’t see, they grow inside around my organs. My heart, my lungs, my stomach. Hard to breathe. Hard to eat. Hard to beat.

Hard to sleep.

I step inside. The warmth touches my skin. And as it cleanses my body it cleanses my soul, I sob.

Sobbing. I remember I am whole.

Whole without people, places or things. Whole on my own without a single ring. Possibilities vanish down the drain.

I’m still whole. Maybe sad. Maybe unwell. The thorns loosen.

I return to my bed.

I showered today.


The following is a recent spoken word I wrote about unresolved conflict in my life. Read it in the cadence you wish. Thank you for taking the time.


Four days since dreaming of worms

They poured out of my hand like they made it a home and now they had to go.

Foreboding. People of ill repute will now leave. That’s what the book says. I come to it with my dreams, hopefully learning what all of this means.

People will leave. This time in droves.

But, it’s good right? An emotional, a people cleanse.

I lie awake. I think about the worms.

My time is a waterfall.

Rushing , a loud, enormous presence. It demands attention.

My sanity is fading. Parts of me disappearing.

I look at the clock. The hours pass, one, then two, then three and so on.

No sounds exist, no people.

Just me. My thoughts.

And the worms.

They are there. Flowing out of me like secrets.

Secrets. I never tell them. They don’t exist.

You don’t exist. I don’t exist.

I am awake.

2 o’clock. Almost on the dot. I am awake.

Every moment there. I lay awake.

I am alone.

Trying anything, everything to catch sleep.

I swell with another bottle of wine, daydreams of another man’s bed, just to pass the time.

Fighting the urge to swipe left and right. Keeping my options open so I just might

Feel something else. Dream something, someone, somewhere else.

Brief peace seems to sneak sleep.

2 o’clock returns. And the worms.

I am awake.

On soulmates

This month I wanted to write about love. Honestly it’s a topic that’s come up rather frequently in the past couple of months. I really decided on this series when I had a chat with my friend. She’s been married for like ten years and when I asked her how she knew she was in love, she said she didn’t know if she’s ever truly been in love.

So I continued to ask questions. How did you/do you know that you’re in love? Is it a feeling that you’ve met “the one”? Is the one out there? Do we all have a soulmate? I need answers. So I sought them.

There is an overwhelming majority that believes in the existence of soulmates. Some even went as far to say they knew for a fact God existed because they were brought together with their soulmate. Many argued that their relationship was easy from day one, so obviously they’re destined. That was just the commentary in favor on my Facebook. Online there’s a whole heap of literature arguing for the existence of soulmates.

Some say soulmates exist in two different forms: romantic partners and platonic friends. The actual definition regards a soulmate as someone ideally suited for another as a close friend or partner. One of my friends believes our souls are little pieces scattered everywhere and those pieces live in other people and when we meet them we feel instantly connected because they hold a piece of us.

One of my friends thinks that soulmates exist because, science. But, this same friend also thinks we’re destined to never find our soulmates because it’s mathematically improbable. Bleak.

I’m not going to dismiss people’s hopeful ideals of love, but I will say that I don’t believe they exist. I believe love is a spectrum and the choice is ours how far we’ll place someone on that spectrum. Love is a feeling but also a choice and an action. The idea of soulmates often negates the idea that love is action.

I was watching a Netflix movie today. The whole premise of the movie was this guy going back in time to alter his relationship with his friend he has a crush on. Regardless of what he did he’d wake up three years later to find his life altered and her to be with the same guy she’s in love with from the beginning. By the end he realizes they were never meant to be but that the whole time it was actually her best friend he was in love with. Point of that movie might be that her soulmate was first guy and their destiny was to find each other. I think the point is that sometimes we’re so busy chasing a feeling that we ignore what is good for us and is almost always already present in our lives. We ignore the reality to chase the fantasy.

So, no I don’t believe soulmates exist. I think you have to put real work in. I think that we meet people of significance in our lives and we immediately know it. Time will tell whether that significance is good or bad and that feeling doesn’t negate the fact there will be work.

I’ve always been keen to significance in my life. I almost always know immediately whether someone will be important to me. This feeling has been the mark of several very important friendships and a couple of romantic relationships. And just because someone is significant doesn’t mean they’re going to around forever.

All of my significant romantic relationships have been the result of this “feeling” in the beginning. But, ultimately if that person doesn’t choose me back, if they hurt me, if they neglect me, if they treat me like I’m nothing… not a feeling in the world will make me stick around for that. And ,that’s the problem with soulmates too. People are afraid to leave. They’re willing to put up with mediocrity because of the sham that they’ve met their soulmate.

Relationships are hard. People are hard. But, people are worth loving and it sucks to be lonely!

I’m in favor of special people in our lives. I think we should love hard and fiercely and without fear. We shouldn’t be afraid to tell people how we feel about them. We should show them through action and not just words. Love people who love you, without fear, without hurt, without excuse. Those are your soulmates.

Sad isn’t bad

Today I feel sad.

Well, if we’re being completely honest, I’ve been sad for weeks. I’m just at capacity right now and having a hard time covering up my sad. 

I’m an advocate for feelings. Feel the way you feel. All feelings have their place. Sad doesn’t equal bad. 

So… today I’m sad. I’m depleted. Tired. At capacity. I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job at any of my one million jobs. I don’t feel like my relationships are going well. I’m constantly failing at being a good pup mom to Fitz. Literally failing hard at adulting. Failing everything, that’s how I feel. And while all feelings are valid, not all feelings are true. 

So, current life status is me weeding through the overwhelm of it all and figuring out what is true. 

Today my truth is that I’m sad. 

Today everything sucks, but it’s fine.

If you hear nothing else, hear that it’s okay to feel. It’s okay that you feel sad. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to feel anxious. Etc. Etc. Etc. 

Feel all the things. Don’t let it consume you. Today I feel sad. 
But shit, at least I’m trying.


When terrible things happen it challenges your capacity. Your capacity for love, strength, bravery, courage and living.

A terrible, no good, really bad thing happened to me this week. Something that came out of nowhere and is seemingly unfathomable. The kind of thing you think didn’t happen…but it did. An out of body experience type thing. A thing that changes your world a bit.

But, I’m not going to rehash what happened, if you know me personally you already know. This is more so a post to help me get my thoughts out. It’s cathartic for me, writing helps me heal.

The world has been one big shit storm lately. This terribleness just happened to hit close to home for me this week. And I’ve been thinking of how you recover from that. How do we recover from the terribly rotten, no good things?

For me, in this moment, there are two options.

One, I can do what I’ve always done and shrink away from the world, pushing everyone I care about away so they don’t have to deal with it. That’s unfair…but it’s easy. I got to that place yesterday, and just felt like everything was dark and twisty and nothing was ever going to be bright and shiny for a very long time. I could stay there. I could shut myself away in my room and close out the world. I wrote the book on that coping mechanism. A few years ago, that’s what I would’ve done. That was my capacity.

I woke up this morning and realized that I’m not that person anymore. My capacity has changed. I’m stronger, smarter, funnier, braver… I’m just more. So option two, choose bright and shiny. Choose to come out on the other side and realize this could have a silver lining. When terrible things happen they challenge our capacity for everything.

Option two for me is the only option. I won’t say that it won’t take time to get back to a place of “normal”, whatever that looks like. But, I can be a little better everyday. All I keep thinking is how much I want to experience, how much I want to do, how full I want my life to be and how much my existence is my responsibility. There can be silver linings in terrible, no good, horribly wrong situations.

I will use this situation to grow my capacity. It’s time to grow the hell up and stop being so selfish. Selfish with time, love and life. My capacity for love, kindness, new experiences, courage, bravery and people will grow. I’ve learned that I need people in my life to share in these things with. I use to think I liked to be alone, that I was good at it. I don’t want that anymore. As easy as it is, it’s not the best existence. Being strong doesn’t mean you don’t need anyone. I want my life to be full and to love harder and give more of my time and self to those people I care about. That’s where the healing begins.

And that’s all I really have to say about it.

Love your people well. Don’t be afraid to take big leaps or risks, apologize when you do something wrong, tell people what you want, take chances, become the best version of yourself and don’t accept anything less. Break cycles of what you think your capacity is and choose to be better. We can always be better. Growth is always possible. Love even when it seems like it’s not going to work, or your afraid, or you’ve been hurt. Just love, experience and choose to be happy. We can be brave together.

The Lionheart Collective Co.

Hello there friends! I want to tell you about a little venture that is a few months if not years in the making.

This idea is grounded in my own path to finding and accepting who I am as a human. It’s been a long process… but aren’t we all there, every second of everyday, all of our lives? But the funny thing is, self acceptance isn’t prevalent in our society. People don’t often say how they really feel or do what they really want. 

I’m tired of it. People being put down because they don’t stick with the status quo. People being bullied. People being downright afraid of their feelings and expressing who they are & what they feel. I’m done with it. 

I hope you are too.

I bring you… the Lionhearted Collective Co. While still in the stages of (what the heck will this look like!) flux, it’s part store and part tribe.

Our mission: Strength. Bravery. Empathy. 

Undoubtedly all the qualities of a collective of lionhearted humans. Embrace who you are and what you feel. Use your gifts to make the world more beautiful and unique. It is only ever going to get one you! Make the you-ness that you are count!

That is the story behind what will be a store, a gathering, a blog, a whatever… so that your voices can be heard.
Be brave. Spread Empathy. Live with strength.

And a little sneak peek at a product I’m working on for my “granola” friends out there 😉! I know I’m not alone!

Why I’m Quitting Whole 30

hans-vivek-216042I’ve accomplished 10 straight days of being 100% Whole 30… day 11 and I’ve come to tell you I’ve quit.

A month ago I decided I would do a Whole 30 in June. This was right before my grand European adventure and I knew I would need recovering after eating all that I wanted. I literally did just that…ate all that I wanted. I had dessert everyday, sometimes twice a day, and it was glorious. Cue #sorrynotsorry.

So when I came back I was jazzed about getting back into the grind , clean eating and my workout routine and all.

First, you have to understand that Whole 30 is not a diet…so stop calling it that. Everyone does Whole 30 for different reasons but it shouldn’t be done for the sole purpose of losing weight. It wasn’t created for that. It was created to help people clean up their diets and eliminate foods that could cause irritations and then teach you how to slowly reincorporate them into a clean 80/20 paleolithic lifestyle.

June 5 I started my second ever Whole 30 with the intent and purpose of cleansing and re-energizing my diet , as well as a way to fast and pray about a few things. Clarity if you will.

So, today… over a third of the way in… I’m quitting. Why? This afternoon I found myself in a high priced juice store asking for an $8 beverage that was compliant with something I wasn’t even enjoying. I thought …what am I doing with my life.

Truth is… I’m a quitter. Also truth, I’m okay with it. I quit when things no longer make sense anymore. I think that quitting gives me an opportunity to take control of my circumstances and say “You know what… I don’t want to do that anymore.” Nope. Not for me. If we can’t #PIVOT in our life… then when can we?

I could give you all sorts of excuses as to why I don’t want to be on the Whole 30 bandwagon anymore: It was too gosh darn expensive, I ran out of good recipes, Being on the go made it too hard, I really need a glass of wine, going out with friends was a nightmare, I already eat clean … but at the end of the day, I just don’t want to do it anymore.

I don’t really expect this to be some grand revelation for you. For me, I found what I’m looking for. I’ve accomplished what I started for.

Whole 30 is a really good jumping off point for those who need a reboot. I am not against it at all. One day I expect that I’ll be crazy enough to attempt it again, maybe for 20 days maybe the whole 30 days… but today I made the decision that 10 is enough.